@#$#@%#^$%^$$@#$#^REFERT#$^T$%Y&^%Y%^YHRGR%T%$$#RERF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel so stupid! Like why do I even try sometimes to grow and stretch myself or do something new? I'm sick of feeling stupid and worthless. And by worthless I mean in a monetary sense.
Do I have absolutely nothing that is worth paying me for? Have I ever been able to develop anything and have it last?
Obviously my telephone job interview did not go so well. I ended it feeling confused, dazed, stupid, unprepared, unskilled, muttering and just a stupid facade of an intelligent person. Have I really wasted most of my life?
I'm just stuck in this downward loserness. I hate it! Every time I try to climb out of it, BAM, beat back down. And its got to be all my fault to, that's what makes it even more horrible.
----My recent job failures-----
Iraq: Crohns, dysentery, cowardliness
UCSD: Crohns, poor stress management
County of SD: ineptitude
Nuclear Medicine: no jobs where I thought there would be. no research on my part. now I am loosing skills big time by only working one day a month for years.
I bet I couldn't even get a job working in a grocery store again, stacking oranges and apples.
I don;t feel like eating or anything. I just want to break something. Or implode and collapse into a little pile of dust.
I know I'll survive and 'things will work out' but I am more ambitious than that. I desire more. I expect more of myself. And year after year now I haven't delivered.
(Shaking my head and just throwing my hands in the air)
Are we related?!, I mean really, same...boat!!, in a round about way, K, not really, but honestly, I so feel this way!!!, at times!!. Yes, I could tell you, that life isn't really that bad, be thankful you have health, family and friends(even the blogger/stalker one's, at least I leave comments, right! don't know if that's considered good or bad, hum..., digressing...!), you live in beautiful SD, which by my standards is a little piece of heaven! and that you should be ever so grateful, blah blah blah...!!, you know, all the stuff that your parents say (or at least mine do, now I say the same thing to my rug rats!). Here's what I say, go... ahead...!, take some time to wallow in self pity!!!, it's your party after all, go for it, have a ball, wallow away!! After the pity party, pull up your boot straps, take a deep (yoga) breath and start all over.
ReplyDelete(I so hope, your gettin the sarcasm that's been related here, seeing as how you don't really even know me) On a serious note, "how to win friends and influence people" is a life changing book. When the principles in this book are put into practice, it is truly amazing. If you don't believe it, try it and just see what happens.
your friend in the bloggin world,
CK
You are very eloquent about your feelings. I'm sorry you're in a bad place right now.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what the future holds for you, Rowdy, but I do know that you are a good man, and that you have a wonderful wife and family to support you no matter what.
I have faith that you will find your way to an occupation that you can embrace, and that will embrace you back. I don't know when or what or where, but I have faith it will happen.
In the meantime, I feel like I ought to do the good Mormon thing and remind you that discouragement is one of Satan's favorite tools. Please remember where these feelings of hopelessness and frustration come from. They do not come from a credible source.
Keep trying, keep praying, keep listening. It will happen for you.
Love you,
Dayna