"they" say that tomorrow never comes. the flip side of that is yesterday seemingly never goes away.

today is one of those days where i feel soo strongly "i used to _______________", and fill in the blank.

maybe it is the serious lack of sleep i am running on. i don't know. the sky is beautiful, the temperature is perfect, i'm not broke.

but...............................

i still have this gloomy feeling or self identity that i'll never be anywhere as good at anything as i was previously.

-i used to be more passionate than i am now
-i used to weigh less than i do now
-i used to joke around more than i do now
-i used to have more self control than i do now
-i used to be stronger, faster, smarter, tougher and anything physical better than i do/am now
-i used to win more than i do now. games, races, scrabble, jiu jitsu. i never win anything anymore

i'm still nice to people. i still care about stuff. i'm reasonably healthy all things considered. so stuff is good. i have a nice home and don't have to stress like many people do during this economy.

i still feel "less" though than the 2009 and earlier me. i wish i could shake it..........

i think this plays into how i feel about myself and my work currently. i haven't worked full time in my degree field and training since 2005. yes, you've heard this before.

where i work this month, on each wed and thurs, i am essentially alone. i don't like to be alone, either in my employment or life. i can do it, but i don't like it.

the skills and knowledge and just 'everything' you need to be sharp, accurate, on-time, caring, competent and all of that for my patients is just rusty. i feel like i'm starting from zero each time i work. and with no back up or help i feel acutely the power to perform and be perfect. but i don't have the current experience base to do that. feel it. believe it.

so i am incredibly nervous and not confident in the days leading up to my assignments like this. to be good at what i do, you have to do it often. and i don't, so i have the stark realization i'm just not that good at it.

my value in the field is decreased markedly due to my underemployment. if not bottomed out or totally zero. and that hurts me, inside.

whingey i know, but this is where i can express deeper feelings amongst my normal "look at me, look at me!" posts. especially since i rarely write in my paper and pen journal anymore. another 'used to' i guess. i have 7 years of daily entries in a stack of paper and pen journals.

my middle name is not consistency anymore either.