i feel like my abdomen is distended or that soo many surgeries has made it impossible to have a flat stomach. i feel fat through my middle and too thin through my arms and legs. like an ugly human spider.
i feel like my face is starting to show my age and experience. and not in a good way. it's like all the connective tissue has gone away and i have a soft, saggy face with sun spots and wrinkles. and crooked teeth.
i'm not happy with how all my jeans and t-shirts fit right now. my dress clothes are nice and my shorts are good. but i'm between small and medium on tshirts so none of them fit me how i'd like. and i dont like how any of my jeans feel. i only had one pair i did like how they felt and they've been worn out totally and had to be thrown away after i bled all over them and couldn't get the stain out properly.
my haircut. ugh. you know it's not a good haircut when people say maybe you should get it cut again, or a different one or maybe buzz it off and start over. i had that feeling inside me as well but if other people do to, you know it is true.
to me, my fitness sucks right now too. i feel weak and fragile. i feel unable to get any strength or aerobic capacity back. i compare myself to how i was 2 years ago and i just don't and can't measure up. i haven't been to jiu jitsu for 3 weeks due to a stupid skin thing and that's totally not helping me feel good either.
i'd say i don't care, but that is not true or else i wouldn't whine about it in such a public place. face, body, hair, clothes, fitness. none of them do anything to help me have positive feelings right now.
maybe i'm the one that's body dysmorphic? my confidence in my physical self is at a low. low low. maybe i'm the one who is really a troglodite and not one of the eloi?
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Hang in there, man. While I haven't had the kind of surgeries you did, I had a rare muscle condition that caused my kidneys and liver to seriously malfunction about a dozen years ago. When I got out of the hospital, my doctor urged that I approach all physical activity cautiously. I know how much of a struggle it is to come back from that, and how some days it feels like you'll never be your old self.
ReplyDeleteBut, for me at least, I never returned to my old self. While my cardio and strength are as good as they were before, I'm emotionally tougher than and damn proud when I can keep up with or even outpace the grown men and women at the gym who are 15 - 20 years younger than me.
It may take a while, but you'll get your vitality back.