Q is for quitter

I quit my first real job when I was 16 because they wouldn't give me the time off I wanted. (I later got this job back)
I quit tennis in high school my senior year after a fight with the coach over playing time. (I refused to accept a varsity letter in tennis that year)
I quit my first real job in a very unprofessional way after college because another hospital offered me more money. (And then quit it in 6 months for more money)
I quit rock climbing 'cause all of my climbing friends moved. (i even had a climbing wall built in my garage i tore down and sold)
I quit being married. Twice. (yeah, divorced twice and in my 20's)
I quit working in Iraq because I was mildly sick and also tired of getting shot at and not having a gun.
I quit racing bmx as I realized I would never be competitive as a novice in a pro class.
I quit getting my personal training certification because it was harder than I'd anticipated. (i thought my medical knowledge would make it a cinch. i was wrong. and my business partner dumped me along the way)

There are more, these are just a few I'd admit to and even then some of them still sting and give me a sense of shame and guilt.

I haven't quit on myself. I haven't quit fighting Crohn's disease. I haven't quit loving my family. I haven't quit my plan and preparation for PA/graduate school.

But there are two things that have been a huge part of my life that I'm thinking of quitting. Both have been with me for the same amount of time and both have been a deep part of how I see myself.

Nuclear Medicine. I want to be a PA. My license for nuc med in California expires this November. I want to take the easy way out and just let it go. Leave nuc med behind entirely and just focus on the future and becoming a physician assistant. But mostly because I don't want to go through the paperwork hassle of renewing it for another five years. I'll leave it eventually, but this would be convenient to do now, if a bit premature. If my undergrad gets me into PA school I won't feel it was a waste, like I do currently.

Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. I was into it hot and heavy way back int the day aka 1998-2001. This is actually bjj v2.0 for me. I'd be considered an OG in it if I'd stayed..... With my freaking medical nightmare of the past few years I have not been able to train more than 3 months since February of 2010. Two years!!!

If you've noticed I haven't posted hardly anything about bjj. Wanna know why? Because I haven't been going. I can't go. Oh, I was all "hey, it's my comeback. i'm gonna be sooo super dedicated and awesome." But then two weeks into that a small scratch on my arm turned into an infection.

That 3 weeks later I still have!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, I thought it was gone. I went to open mat today thinking I would be good to go. I was amazingly buoyant and happy. I went to show Andre my wrist and he said "no man, you can't roll yet." I asked other people I respect at the class what they thought. 3 out of 4 said no.

I really wanted to cry. Tears welled up inside me. Only the fact that I am a grown man kept me from breaking down and crying. I have loved jiu jitsu that much. Devoted that much of myself to it. I explain as dating the girl you think is the one for 5 years and then having her dump you 3 times in two years. In a cruel, capricious way each time.

I feel like that is what my relationship with jiu jitsu has become. Is. And for the first time I wanted to just quit and walk away from it. To no longer feel the pain of being denied something I love. In a sense, to choose to no longer love jiu jitsu.

To quit. The deal with my wrist would have been healed a week ago in a normal person. But the medicine I take for Crohn's, Humira, just wrecks my immune system. What should of been something little and minor is just not going away.

I am tired of the highs and lows. Looking at all my "List of Quit" in no way encourages me. But I don't know what to do................