Dr. Wantsum and Inspector Shugarlots Holmes

Ileostomy, sugar, osmolarity, transit time, science, blah blah blah, science again. What is all boils down to is that I eat or drink something especially high in sugar then there is an immediate increase in the water output into my "appliance".

As that water will not be making the fun trip to my colon it is just getting stripped from my body. Big deal you say? This little venture has put me back in the hospital once for 24 hours to correct the dehydration. Just two nights ago I was "obviously faltering" and needed to get more fluid in as well. (Sadly my PICC line was clotted and I barely got my TPN in, fluids waiting for the next day when my line was replaced.)

Even short time readers, fan club members, groupies, stalkers, imitators and secret crushes will know that I am powered by two main things. Sunshine and sugar. Sunshine + sugar + sports + speediness = super sweet superior satisfaction. Comprende?

Having solved the mystery of rapid 0-bag filling and emptying now to determine the most egregious culprits! Sugary drinks!

Great Scott man! Do you have any idea? Other than water everything is ppppppacked with sugar. And at this stage I'm not differentiating between HFCS, fructose, glucose, sucrose, lactose, Splenda and its devilish clones. Just reading the simple grams of sugar per serving and reporting the results.

Minute Maid Fruit Punch 34g
San Pellegrino Lemonata 32G (this was a huge shocker to me. i thought i was getting just mineral water with lemon. it hardly tastes this level of sweet)
Coca Cola Caffiene free 38g
Ocean Spray Fruit Juices specifically labeled having no HFCS all ranged from 28g-34g
Lactaid fat free milk 12g
Treetop 100% apple cider 28g
V8 veggie drink can 6g

But if I want something sweet what am I to do? There is not sugar difference between downing a Coke versus fruit "juice" even with no HFCS. Which in my ranking of evil things it goes like this:
Worst: ANY artificial sweetener.
Worse:HFCS or other syrups and sugars made from things not sugar cane or sugar beet.
Bad: regular old just over refined 'white' sugar. Which in this case being merely "bad" makes you the best!

In my grief I began searching for an appropriate sugar fix for the condition I'm in. And I think I found it!

Green Granny Smith apple, sliced and skin peeled off. (I am not allowed to eat things with skins or casings currently.)
A BIG FREAKING TUB OF CARAMEL DIP. That's right. Just like you see in a McD's pseudo-Happy Meal where the kids can get milk and apples with caramel dip to feign healthiness I can do the same thing and call it what it really is, feeding my sugar addiction at a manageable level.

Yes.

Two tablespoons of caramel equal 16g of sugar. Wow! I can eat basically a whole caramel apple and get half the sugar of drinking a glass of juice.

Mystery solved, case closed and mouth open.