Living is in the way we...

Die. I want my death to be equal to my life. Which means it will both be complicated and one people expected. But I still want a "good" death.

Seriously

I don't want to say it's a problem per se, but the "problem" with sexual harassment is that all men are guilty. Every single one of us has done something in their life that would qualify as sexual harassment.

We're all guilty, every single one of us.

No one expects the Spanish (Arkansas?) Inquisition!

Well now that the move to San Antonio is a sure thing it is a good time to reflect on some Arkansas experiences. I think I'll break them down into two categories, things I expected but never realized and the opposite events or what have you I didn't see coming.

Expectations I had but were never met
-I would become a Hogs football fan. I thought I would but I can't even tell you a single player's name. I was definitely interested in the SEC but just other teams.

-I would attend a big college game. Football is the second religion in the south, behind the Baptists, so I thought I'd attend at least one "service". I never did. I still want to attend a powerhouse SEC game.

-I would have fished or hunted more. Arkansas is a spotsman's spot for sure but I went fishing only like 5 times and hunting never.

-I would have made Grand Master in USPSA. I was never close until this past month, so almost two years later and I still doubt it will happen. Not enough local matches and not enough of them on Saturday.

-I would have more sponsorship. I moved here with some and am leaving with none. Zero sponsorship and no job in the industry.

-I could mimic the accent. Nope. I can hear the difference between an Arkansas accent and other states down here but I can't even come close to doing it properly. When I do a southern accent I'm not sure it reflects any region accurately.

-I would never use y'all. Well it has crept into my vocabulary.

Unexpected Experiences
-I dislike living out in the country. I thought I would love being out on 3 acres away from it all. In fact I find it a pain most times. I can appreciate the beauty and quiet but for day to day life I find it less than ideal.

-The level of tobacco use and alcohol consumption. Higher than expected, much higher.

-Poor road system. Living in the center of the state, in the largest city and yet you still have to drive on two lane road surface streets to get most places in the state.

-Food. I found out I was allergic to okra. I also found out how little fresh fruits and vegetables are part of meals here, either going out to eat or at homes. I put on 5 pounds here and am considerably less fit. Arkansas is just not a place that promotes health.

-Rain. Oh my does it rain here. I can handle the heat and humidity now. But days on end of heavy rain just really wears on me. Nothing is ever dry here.

-Bugs. Not only is the rain biblical here but the bugs are extras from a Jurassic Park movie. I can't think of a single day in the past almost three years I haven't had a bug bite of some sort. I have two tick bites that have never healed. Never, in years. I learned what chiggers are and had over 50 bites from them on my legs. Spiders and mosquitoes and chiggers and ticks and just everything are crazy here.

-Race. I hear people use the N word without flinching. Casual denigration on non-whites. There is still just a divide.


I didn't think I'd be writing this when I moved here as I had hope and faith but now I have to say I understand why CNBC voted Arkansas the worst state to live in recently. I know the joke is normally "Thank God for Mississippi" as they're usually last/worst in most metrics but I couldn't in good conscious advise anyone to move here. (not sure I'd rather live in Mississippi or Louisiana though either! hahaha)

Arkansas, we're breaking up and I'm leavings.It's not me, it's you.

Old pt 27

Another marker to signify I'm "old", I don't believe teenage kids say anything worth listening to about complex problems or social issues.

I wonder...

I wonder what will happen to all the knowledge, data and just "everything" that is currently only found on paper, in dusty almost forgotten archives when paper is truly no more.

Would You?

Seriously. I've heard people say something to the effect of "I'd die for my country/kids/religion" or whatever. OK, so you have something you've stated your wiling to sacrifice your life for, slipping the bonds of this mortal life.

But I want to posit the question to you differently. For the exact same ideal, concept or personage(s) would you live for it/them? Could you instead sacrifice the rest of your life for them, totally, rather than ending it for said subject?

To me that seems much harder.

And the real kicker I'd like to ask someone to answer with all inward searching, soulful truthfulness would you then also kill for it? Killing isn't self defense either. Killing is active, the aggressor.

You might die for it but would you live for it? Kill for it?

Surprised but not really...

I thought my life would be a certain way as a child, in my childlike way. Though maybe not all in the context I thought I would learn these things, I'm still surprised to have learned these things about myself through the years:

-How much blood I can lose before passing out.
-How to stick a needle in my thigh, butt, stomach and shoulder.
-How to push my intestine back through a hole into my body.
-What it feels like to hit the ground, water or another person with enough force to be knocked out.
-How to remove my own sutures and staples.
-Just how far and how long I can walk with 60lbs on my back.
-How many days I can go without solid food, liquids only.
-How to cut my own hair.
-Learning anything about radiation, nuclear physics and other hard sciences.
-How to sky dive.
-That I would travel to countries once considered the enemy during my lifetime.
-That I could stay awake 48 hour without sleep.
-That I would climb the highest mountain in the lower 48.
-That I would win awards for martial arts and shooting competitions.
-That I would work and attend school in foreign countries.
-That I'd have friends in the black world. (I don't mean race)

Life is just crazy. Or at least it has been, as I have no idea how it could be crazier in the future?

No surprise then...

No surprise then that only 1 of the 3 kids called me on Father's Day.

Lyrical living

I'm reminded of the song lyrics, maybe slightly paraphrased, of "Move to New York but leave before it makes you to hard. Move to California but leave before it makes you to soft." I agree with that sentiment.

Sadly, I also have heard a song at least once a day for the past week that plunges me into strong feelings of guilt an inadequacy. The timing of when it came out, where I was in my life, my own history and what I see when I look both inward and outward. Father of Mine, by Everclear. That song crushes me into only thinking about what a truly horrible husband and father I was during those first two marriages and divorces. And how my selfishness damaged children irreparably.

Gut checks to a gut that's only brought me grief itself since I was 11 years old.....

Right and Wrong

Those who've been to Iraq or Afghanistan in the past 15 years have seen first hand what damage tribalism or sectarianism can do to a county. If you haven't been to those places I'll fill you in, it ruins them.

Our political parties, Republican or Democrat, are becoming our tribes here in the USA. Christianity or not our sectarian divide.

We like to think we're better than that as a people. More enlightened. More developed. Richer in means to solve issues.

But that is an absolute lie. The nation isn't in its institutions and neither is its people. Look at the failed states in the world where two distinct groups are vying to lift themselves up by pushing another down. We are going to be just like them.

There are universal truths, right and wrong, yes. But the enmity between either side of the growing divide will destroy us as a people, a nation and even an idea.

Remember

People have and will kill or be killed for an idea or a concept. Heaven, friendship, honor, duty, patriotism or what have you. How committed are you to something as intangible as an idea, belief or concept?

Much Dis

There are definitely matches where I feel like I am not good enough and I can't do enough work or be good enough if I did all the work in the world to reach my goals.

Two for none.

When you're alone all the time a cat is not a fulfilling companion. He's ok and all, but the "love" is not a two way street.

Capital F!

Frustrated. I need to take a break from playing chess online. I am getting my tail kicked! I have played 20 games and not even come close to winning a single one. What started out as fun is now frustrating. And not fun.

There is no one as dumb as me online evidently. My ranking started at a generic 800 (out of a possible you're Kasparov or IBM's Watson 3,000). It has since fallen to 320. And the sight I play online constantly matches me with people who are at a player ranking of 1,500 or greater. So I'm not learning, playing or anything. I'm just getting abused it feels like.

A bjj training partner once told me, after he physically hurt me, "you have to suffer to learn." I'm not sure I enjoy mental suffering as much as I do physical suffering.

Casting About

Growing up in Kennewick WA at the very edge of town was a delight for me as a child/youngster. Our's was one of the first houses out there and despite the modern picture below, in the 80s it was all just fields and orchards and scrub around us. About 2 miles away was this little pond near one of our friend's house.

I can remember really catching a lot of perch, blue gill and sunfish kinds of things in that little pond. Heck sometimes you'd even just snag one when clearing a stuck lure or bait. Fishing from the bank as we did your casting ability was pretty important. You had to get it where the fish was or you'd possibly go home with very little.

To hone this ability I would place a hula hoop in the front yard and various distances and angle from where I stood in the driveway and practice my cast. Trying to get the lure into the hula hoop. The way kids can put a lot of effort into something when they enjoy it I got pretty good at casting a spinning reel.

Fast forward from being 10 years old to today and I haven't caught a fish or done that sort of thing in a loooong time. Well, I now have my fishing stuff out in the garage, bought an Arkansas license and trout tag and about to try my luck at it again. Arkansas state Game and Fish dept has stocked trout in some places near me and I'm gonna give it a shot. So if you see me out in the front yard casting a line, you'll know what in the world I'm doing. (fishing dry fire I guess! hahahaha)

le sigh

I feel very lonely at home right now. Isolated. It's unpleasant.

My body is falling apart. My teeth have shifted post invisalign braces and I can't close my mouth completely, giving me terrible jaw pain. My feet are pronating more and hurt when I run. I have non stop tendonitis in my left elbow. It doesn't seem like my Humira is doing enough. My left eye, the one I had to go to the doctor about is not healing and off and on gives me terrible pain and will water non stop. Making it difficult to see out of at all. Aaaand I feel like I'm getting the flu.

Coming attractions

I have some things I'm looking forward to doing in Feb and March, so here is a list of them just to keep my buzz of anticipation going!

Feb 9-12-visit OJ and family in Utah for a birthday party.

Feb 16-go to Crystal Method concert here in Little Rock.

Feb 18-24-attend Gunsite with super Dave-O for a bolt action rifle class in Arizona.

Mar 3-6- compete in the LA state IDPA championship. hit a USPSA match on the way home. eat cajun food.

Mar 12-15- spend two days in private training with Elias Frangoulis, multi time world champ, here at my home range.

March 31- compete in a level 3, charity, IDPA match in Hot Springs AR

Nope

Sometimes I feel like I'd like to stop eating any meat that came off a four legged animal. Still have fowl, eggs, cheese, fish but not the flesh of cows, pigs, sheep, goat and so on.

Interesting/annoying awareness

I've had to wear prescription glasses for about the past 3 or 4 years. At first a very light correction in one eye only. But my vision got worse and worse each year. Both eyes effected, astigmatism, poor night vision driving, inability to see anything distant, using a magnifying glass to read cooking directions on packages.

You know, sucky. And I'm not a candidate for any corrective surgery.

Like many people who are newish to glasses and engage in a hobby or activity that's very visually intense I sometimes wear my glasses and sometimes not. I'll shoot without them and do good and bad. Then I'll put them on and some of it seems better. Then I'll go a few days without them and shoot better than I was before.

And those experiences are what leads me to my frustration. I definitely do better driving at night with them and seeing things at a distance. But those aren't super critical for action pistol matches. The past two day's I've been shooting in non-corrective lenses, just Ray-Ban sunglasses. And doing great!

Which leads me to the experiment of shooting the next 3 or 4 local matches without my prescription glasses and see what I think and feel about it.

6th, maybe 7th place on the list

This weekend I really felt like moving from San Diego to Little Rock was one of the top ten biggest mistakes of my life. And by mistake I mean something that was my decision, not something that happened to me out of my control.

I've probably made the same number of bad mistakes as anyone but the real biggies have always seemed to effect both myself and others. Let's hope I've corrected some of them and hopefully been forgiven for others.

But yeah, a bit of remorse over the weekend for my choice. I of course can and am living with it, but you know.....

Well that doesn't happen every day....

930pm,tonight. I am in the living room and Super D is in a bedroom at one far end of the house.

While on the couch with no obvious reason as to why, I hear a muffled man's voice at the end of the house near the garage entry to the house/other bedrooms. I wait a heart beat to make sure I heard what I heard. Once verified I run from the couch to the bedroom where Super D is, grab a pistol and flashlight and run to the other end of the house. Gun up and ready. Eyes and ears alert and searching.

I am in the hallway near the garage passage door to the house, lights on. The bedroom right there is dark. I still hear the voice. So I'm silent and just scanning but confused as to what I'm hearing now that I'm close to the source of the male voice. Which still isn't very clear in its source/location.

And then I recognize it but just don' understand what's going on. But I now know all is well. When Super D went to bed she turned on an audio book on her phone. It connected to a bluetooth speaker in her aqua aerobics teaching bag at the other end of the house. The voice I hear of a man in the house, it was an audio book narrator.

No 911 call. No yelling to "get out of my house!" No confrontation or shots fired. Just my quick, silent, assertive reaction to an audible "intruder".

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