Fear and Loathing

I have Crohn's disease, and have for over 30 years. For the past 8 years I have been taking Humira, every two weeks by injection. And have been mostly in remission because of it.

I have near the border with Mexico for almost 12 years at different times. I worked for years in patient care in those areas. I have traveled to multiple third world countries.

You combine all of those things and I should not have been surprised when a recent quantaferon test came back positive for tuberculosis. Yep, TB. Thankfully I am asymptomatic so I am not contagious.

But......... I can not take Humira with this diagnosis. Humira can make TB activate and disseminate. So the one thing that's kept me from another health nightmare is now removed from my care and treatment. On the way home from the doctor today I probably cried with fear and worry for about 3 minutes.

So now let us see what happens. A good Crohn's medicine is gone for me. The risk of active TB is real. I have to take a new and possibly unpleasant medication for the TB. Risking a flare and all the other nightmarish outcomes that would happen to me if I had to have more bowel removed.

Fearful of the future medically. Fearful of the future economically. Loathing my body and weakness. Loathing new side effects.

Sigh. But now it is back to game face and "doing", rather than worrying. Time will tell....

Living is in the way we...

Die. I want my death to be equal to my life. Which means it will both be complicated and one people expected. But I still want a "good" death.

Seriously

I don't want to say it's a problem per se, but the "problem" with sexual harassment is that all men are guilty. Every single one of us has done something in their life that would qualify as sexual harassment.

We're all guilty, every single one of us.

No one expects the Spanish (Arkansas?) Inquisition!

Well now that the move to San Antonio is a sure thing it is a good time to reflect on some Arkansas experiences. I think I'll break them down into two categories, things I expected but never realized and the opposite events or what have you I didn't see coming.

Expectations I had but were never met
-I would become a Hogs football fan. I thought I would but I can't even tell you a single player's name. I was definitely interested in the SEC but just other teams.

-I would attend a big college game. Football is the second religion in the south, behind the Baptists, so I thought I'd attend at least one "service". I never did. I still want to attend a powerhouse SEC game.

-I would have fished or hunted more. Arkansas is a spotsman's spot for sure but I went fishing only like 5 times and hunting never.

-I would have made Grand Master in USPSA. I was never close until this past month, so almost two years later and I still doubt it will happen. Not enough local matches and not enough of them on Saturday.

-I would have more sponsorship. I moved here with some and am leaving with none. Zero sponsorship and no job in the industry.

-I could mimic the accent. Nope. I can hear the difference between an Arkansas accent and other states down here but I can't even come close to doing it properly. When I do a southern accent I'm not sure it reflects any region accurately.

-I would never use y'all. Well it has crept into my vocabulary.

Unexpected Experiences
-I dislike living out in the country. I thought I would love being out on 3 acres away from it all. In fact I find it a pain most times. I can appreciate the beauty and quiet but for day to day life I find it less than ideal.

-The level of tobacco use and alcohol consumption. Higher than expected, much higher.

-Poor road system. Living in the center of the state, in the largest city and yet you still have to drive on two lane road surface streets to get most places in the state.

-Food. I found out I was allergic to okra. I also found out how little fresh fruits and vegetables are part of meals here, either going out to eat or at homes. I put on 5 pounds here and am considerably less fit. Arkansas is just not a place that promotes health.

-Rain. Oh my does it rain here. I can handle the heat and humidity now. But days on end of heavy rain just really wears on me. Nothing is ever dry here.

-Bugs. Not only is the rain biblical here but the bugs are extras from a Jurassic Park movie. I can't think of a single day in the past almost three years I haven't had a bug bite of some sort. I have two tick bites that have never healed. Never, in years. I learned what chiggers are and had over 50 bites from them on my legs. Spiders and mosquitoes and chiggers and ticks and just everything are crazy here.

-Race. I hear people use the N word without flinching. Casual denigration on non-whites. There is still just a divide.


I didn't think I'd be writing this when I moved here as I had hope and faith but now I have to say I understand why CNBC voted Arkansas the worst state to live in recently. I know the joke is normally "Thank God for Mississippi" as they're usually last/worst in most metrics but I couldn't in good conscious advise anyone to move here. (not sure I'd rather live in Mississippi or Louisiana though either! hahaha)

Arkansas, we're breaking up and I'm leavings.It's not me, it's you.

Old pt 27

Another marker to signify I'm "old", I don't believe teenage kids say anything worth listening to about complex problems or social issues.

I wonder...

I wonder what will happen to all the knowledge, data and just "everything" that is currently only found on paper, in dusty almost forgotten archives when paper is truly no more.

Would You?

Seriously. I've heard people say something to the effect of "I'd die for my country/kids/religion" or whatever. OK, so you have something you've stated your wiling to sacrifice your life for, slipping the bonds of this mortal life.

But I want to posit the question to you differently. For the exact same ideal, concept or personage(s) would you live for it/them? Could you instead sacrifice the rest of your life for them, totally, rather than ending it for said subject?

To me that seems much harder.

And the real kicker I'd like to ask someone to answer with all inward searching, soulful truthfulness would you then also kill for it? Killing isn't self defense either. Killing is active, the aggressor.

You might die for it but would you live for it? Kill for it?