Fear and Loathing

I have Crohn's disease, and have for over 30 years. For the past 8 years I have been taking Humira, every two weeks by injection. And have been mostly in remission because of it.

I have near the border with Mexico for almost 12 years at different times. I worked for years in patient care in those areas. I have traveled to multiple third world countries.

You combine all of those things and I should not have been surprised when a recent quantaferon test came back positive for tuberculosis. Yep, TB. Thankfully I am asymptomatic so I am not contagious.

But......... I can not take Humira with this diagnosis. Humira can make TB activate and disseminate. So the one thing that's kept me from another health nightmare is now removed from my care and treatment. On the way home from the doctor today I probably cried with fear and worry for about 3 minutes.

So now let us see what happens. A good Crohn's medicine is gone for me. The risk of active TB is real. I have to take a new and possibly unpleasant medication for the TB. Risking a flare and all the other nightmarish outcomes that would happen to me if I had to have more bowel removed.

Fearful of the future medically. Fearful of the future economically. Loathing my body and weakness. Loathing new side effects.

Sigh. But now it is back to game face and "doing", rather than worrying. Time will tell....