No surprise then...

No surprise then that only 1 of the 3 kids called me on Father's Day.

Lyrical living

I'm reminded of the song lyrics, maybe slightly paraphrased, of "Move to New York but leave before it makes you to hard. Move to California but leave before it makes you to soft." I agree with that sentiment.

Sadly, I also have heard a song at least once a day for the past week that plunges me into strong feelings of guilt an inadequacy. The timing of when it came out, where I was in my life, my own history and what I see when I look both inward and outward. Father of Mine, by Everclear. That song crushes me into only thinking about what a truly horrible husband and father I was during those first two marriages and divorces. And how my selfishness damaged children irreparably.

Gut checks to a gut that's only brought me grief itself since I was 11 years old.....

Right and Wrong

Those who've been to Iraq or Afghanistan in the past 15 years have seen first hand what damage tribalism or sectarianism can do to a county. If you haven't been to those places I'll fill you in, it ruins them.

Our political parties, Republican or Democrat, are becoming our tribes here in the USA. Christianity or not our sectarian divide.

We like to think we're better than that as a people. More enlightened. More developed. Richer in means to solve issues.

But that is an absolute lie. The nation isn't in its institutions and neither is its people. Look at the failed states in the world where two distinct groups are vying to lift themselves up by pushing another down. We are going to be just like them.

There are universal truths, right and wrong, yes. But the enmity between either side of the growing divide will destroy us as a people, a nation and even an idea.

Remember

People have and will kill or be killed for an idea or a concept. Heaven, friendship, honor, duty, patriotism or what have you. How committed are you to something as intangible as an idea, belief or concept?

Much Dis

There are definitely matches where I feel like I am not good enough and I can't do enough work or be good enough if I did all the work in the world to reach my goals.

Two for none.

When you're alone all the time a cat is not a fulfilling companion. He's ok and all, but the "love" is not a two way street.

Capital F!

Frustrated. I need to take a break from playing chess online. I am getting my tail kicked! I have played 20 games and not even come close to winning a single one. What started out as fun is now frustrating. And not fun.

There is no one as dumb as me online evidently. My ranking started at a generic 800 (out of a possible you're Kasparov or IBM's Watson 3,000). It has since fallen to 320. And the sight I play online constantly matches me with people who are at a player ranking of 1,500 or greater. So I'm not learning, playing or anything. I'm just getting abused it feels like.

A bjj training partner once told me, after he physically hurt me, "you have to suffer to learn." I'm not sure I enjoy mental suffering as much as I do physical suffering.