q lesson

Like a majority of places San Antonio limits food to delivery or take out only from restaurants. 

With my health issue giving me a greater risk of a bad result from catching covid19 I try not to interact with anyone other than a once a week grocery trip. 

But yesterday I really wanted food i didn't cook for lunch and I drove around for 2 hours and got nothing. Why? Because I learned what I really wanted was to just not be at home. It was place I wanted, not food. Place.

covid work

Well with all this Covid19 shelter in place crap I've been making models pretty quickly!

Dollars

I and Super D and MXK were supposed to be in Europe this week. Obviously that isn't happening. For fun go ahead and price a 1st of Business class ticket from your town to Athens Greece. Then look at buying three of them. I have and also bought them, and it's $15,000 on the low end.

I have yet to receive confirmation I'm getting a refund or credit for this pretty large expense.....

Opportunity cost, I wish I was in Europe with family for the week. But the world is having a hard time and it will probably get much worse for many of them.

We'll see......

Sore versus Hurt

Yeah I'm old but I am really tired of being hurt rather than being j ust sore from training jiu jitsu. Bruising I can handle, tired from effort I can handle but joints that are swollen and lose range of motion I'm getting tired of tolerating. Having parts of my body that can't be touched because they are in such pain I'm tired of experiencing.

I did a 6 month contract with where I am training and I am feeling that might be it. It just saddens me as I like the art, the training, the positive changes to my body and ability. But I hurt all the time.

But I want to stay active, I want to keep the fitness I've developed, I want to be challenged. If I bail on bjj then where do I go? A different academy? Rock climbing gym? Mountain biking club? I can always do body weight exercises at home and ride the Peleton. But I need more!

Thoughts?

time

I moved from California 1,437 days ago. I lives there for 14 years, fully one third of my life at the time.

I have still lived in Arkansas for a greater amount of time than I have in Texas but I'm sure that will change.

Wild February Re-cap

So much has happened since my last entry! Something trivial that would have been funny to post about in the moment but I just didn't open the Blogger app on my phone and do it. Others were huge and will get only a fraction of the attention they deserve here.

COVID19. The Kung Flu. Wu-flu. Corona virus. Whatever, it is pissing me off. People are wwwaaayyy over reacting and it might cost me a trip to Italy in a few weeks. It's not 1918 any more people! Wash your hands, don't touch your face and move on! Big freaking deal if 4 thousand people in the whole damn world have died from the virus. The "regular" flu has already killed 14, FOURTEEN, times that many people this year. The global pandemic of the Spanish flu killed millions 100 years ago. This is dumb!!

FB. I am no longer posting to FB. I'll lurk a little but not dumping stuff there any more. It is a huge time suck, messes with your brain and not enough return for what it takes from me. Also, while not as easy, everything it does I can do other places. Effort to communicate, you know how we did before 2005.

Riding. I sold one motorcycle, the adventure bike, and went back to having a sport bike. I like it!

Nuke 'em. I quit the bird catching job and am re-entering the nuclear medicine/health physics job arena. It has been a tough process but I am doing it and I think will find it quite fulfilling. And have some extra cash!

Oregon. I went back to Oregon for the first time in 20, yes twenty years. That's almost half my life I've been away from where I was born, went to college and where at one time 90% of my family lived. Drove all over the place looking at things, ate nostalgic meals at the few restaurants still in business and saw family in person I hadn't seen in those 20 years. Some I hadn't even talked to in that amount of time! It really was a great reunion tour. Plus green trees, mountains, real scenery. (Sorry Texas but you're a solid 7 in looks)

Suicide. You felt the gears change there, didn't you? Multiple members of my family have committed suicide. Still more have truly struggled with depression and seriously considered it. It was still shocking when my brother's oldest child took his own life at age 20 last month. I made multiple trips out to see their family and support how I could, being there within 24 hours of learning about it. Couple things I'll say about this publicly. One, you never know what someone else is going through just from outward appearance. Two, if you're feeling those types of thoughts, please talk to someone. Anyone. Third, I've never seen anguish on this level before. EVER. Heart rending beyond what I could comprehend.

f=ma

A neighbor is forcing me to get stronger. We lift weights once a week together. Squat, bench, clean and press, and then one other of whatever we feel. 

Renewed Interest

As a 12 to 15 year old I really enjoyed making model airplanes. My health would keep me from being a pilot so this was how I stayed close to and involved with military aviation. 

But my craftsmanship at that age was pretty bad, even corrected for my age, experience and tools. Worse though I was incredibly impatient. From purchase to done was usually one day, sometimes 2 and never more than 3 days.

A year and an half ago I wanted a new, indoor hobby. Something creative. After much thought I explored returning to model airplanes. Wow, have things changed in kits, materials and techniques!

Of course I've also gone "full rowdy" and want to compete and spent tons of money and time trying to improve my finished products. And I'm super enjoying it, even if I'm not as speedy as I was before.

Anguish

The oldest son of my only brother took his own life on the 12th. He was 20 years old.

I've seen people in war. I've seen people in their last seconds of life in the hospital. I've seen relationships fail. I've seen bankruptcy. I've seen many lives as they're changed in an instant but not a single one produced the type of anguish seen in parents losing a child in this manner.

Treat others as you would like to be treated, you never know what they are going or have gone through.

Which are you?

"Be a thermostat, not a thermometer." Which of these devices are you? They both represent something factual, convey information and can change but what are their real differences? And do they matter?

A thermometer tells you what the temperature is, reporting an external condition. As that changes the thermometer changes, influenced by outside forces.

A thermostat tells you what the temperature should be, reporting a desired condition. The thermostat controls the forces external to it to yield the desired condition.

When your life is uncomfortable and you are dealing with its "bad weather", are you a thermometer or thermostat? Do ever changing, external forces change you? Or do you set the temperature and work to influence things to bring them closer to you?

Advice my mother repeatedly gave me growing up was, "You can control your emotions. You are in charge of how you decide to react to things and your feelings. No one person or event should force you to feel a certain way. You decide, you, not just reacting out of control."

The number on a thermostat or thermometer are both true. But how the number got there is a much different story.

Be the thermostat.

Lessons from Competition

I like competition. I like the reason and meaning it gives to an activity. I like the added pressure to perform. If I lose I learn a lesson. If I win I celebrate. There is just a complexity to it that I find mentally and physically enjoyable. In my life I've competed at things recreationally or socially but also "for real". What's the difference? Social or recreation competition is between friends or family, is ad hoc, has no larger organization behind it and likely didn't cost much money to make possible.

Examples would be board and video games, who can do the most push ups, local 5k races, most things that are "I bet you..." or "Let's see who can...". Those sorts of things.

While the "for real" type of competition is against others trained in the same thing, is scheduled, has a larger organization involved and likely cost some money to be involved. School sports, sports leagues, things with a ranking system are good examples. In this category I've done wrestling, tennis, mountain bike racing, pistol shooting, trail running and Brazilian jiu jitsu. I've participated in these things competitively at all different stages of life and personal development so I want to share with you the lessons this type of competition has taught me over my life.

-Get comfortable being uncomfortable. By this I mean a physical resiliency. Developing the strength and personality to have outside, environmental things have less of an effect on your attitude and body. Bad weather, time of day, temperature, gear not being perfect, soreness. You're used to hurting and you accept it.

-You don't lose, you learn. There are more lessons to be learned in our mistakes and than in our successes. If you can objectively look within in, you'll hopefully find them. You have to suffer to learn and that suffering can be either physical or mental.

-Things take time. Basically encompassing the idea that results take work which takes time and to look at things over a longer period of time versus a shorter one. Cutting weight, building speed, learning a new technique all take time.

-Focus on actions, not outcomes. This was from a sports psychologist and it has helped me immensely!! Rather than focusing on winning the race if I focused on my breathing, pedal stroke, line selection, race craft and so on then the result would take care of itself. A subset of this could also mention the importance of being in the now. Where is your focus? If you focus on what you're doing now, you're more likely to get where you want to go versus just thinking about where you want to go.

-Be careful in what you buy. Aka don't chase success through gear. Yes, there is crap out there and yes there is the apex item for whatever you're involved in doing. But the trick is to know where the line is between a crappy product that will hurt you and an appropriate or good product that will do nothing to impede your progress. If your gear is working against you it is more than worthless, it is harmful. Your "stuff" at a minimum should be unobtrusive. Appropriate gear is basically invisible and that is the minimum of what you should find acceptable. If you have that, what you have is good enough.

-Speed. Know when to be as fast as possible and when to be patient. The mental side of speed. And also the physical side of speed. Just how fast can I move my eyes, my hands, my feet. You learn the maximum of your human potential at speed.

-If it is going to happen, it is up to me. From my list you can see I participated in almost exclusively in individual sports. I can't rely on teammates, a coach or anyone else to make things happen. If I don't do it, it won't happen. Tuning a shifter, changing diet, studying film, getting up on time, have gear cleaned, tracking practice, working on my mindset and so on. I have to do them or they don't happen. Rely on yourself and hold yourself accountable.

-What's it worth? It is an extreme saying but I think it gives a point to think about, "You might die for it, but would you kill for it?" We all have something we say we'd die for like family/country/religion but do we have something we'd kill for? They are very different reactions to the same "thing". So what are you willing to do (kill for) versus what you're willing to give up (die for) to accomplish your immediate action or long term goal? There is a difference between omission and commission. And when you assess what you're willing and actually doing of either, then you can see what value you place on something. What's it worth to you.

Analog Man

I am going to delete my Fb account. Again.
I am going to delete my three gmail accounts and create one singular one for all things.
I am going to delete my PayPal.
I am going to delete my separate online banking account.

I'm tired of the fraud. I'm tired of so many internet things taking my time. Less entanglements. Less stress. More choice and control on my end.

V

If I don't get a slot for the IPSC World Shoot this year, I think I am done with shooting competitively. Why?

There are many reasons but there are a few that really seem to make sense. One, I'm just tired and disinterested in something I've already done for 7 years. Switching divisions doesn't switch the game, money or time component. It's just playing Monopoly with the iron instead of the dog. The travel for matches is no longer exciting. The amount one has to train each day to be a good Master on the national level is beyond what I want to do anymore. Everything about it is less interesting to me now. (But going to an international match to represent the USA in competition would totally change that dynamic. But just to shoot locals? Eh.... don't care.)

Secondly, competitive shooting after a while and certain skill level doesn't give you much back in return. The act of shooting itself doesn't make you more physically fit. Or smarter. Your skill with a firearm should definitely improve but now I'm better than 95% of the gun owners out there when it comes to shooting a pistol. To get to 95% against national competition would take hours of practice a day right now and I don't want to. You make no money shooting. You don't receive sponsorship of merit. You're not on TV or in the Olympics. You gain skill and proficiency with a firearm and that's it. It didn't take me 7 years of competition to get there, more like 2. It hasn't added any capital V value to my life.

Third, you spend a crap load of money doing it. I was spending on average $20,000 a year to compete. I think I want that money back each year.

Fourth, my eyesight has really diminished in the past year and it is a vital ability needed to excel at the sport. I've slipped from someone who is a hot shot to someone who used to be good and much of that is my eye sight.

Fifth, I'm not ga-ga over guns generally. I like them but I'm totally fine with a sporting rifle, a hunting rifle, a shotgun and 3 or 4 pistols. At one time I owned over 20 firearms. And gear and accessories for all of them. You know how the things you own end up owning you? That was happening!

IPSC Worlds would be my last hurrah to the sport. I would totally devote to it for the next 6 months, compete at the world level and then walk away satisfied. But without that carrot it just feels like so much stick.

I'd rather motorcycle more, travel more, do more models, read more, brazilian jiu jitsu more, work part time more. Just about anything rather than be so all consumed about my performance and matches and preparation for competitive shooting.

So furious!

Im so furious! I've been a frequent victim of debit card fraud and this time it was my bank account itself! $500, poof, gone! I have to get a handle on this Monday, asap! I am so furious. No one can lose $500 and just shrug it off!