Satire

Beards. You know who has them?
1. Terrorists. Whether they are Chechens, ISIS, followers of Che, ultra right wing Jewish settlers, the Uni Bomber, Black Panthers, Hamas and so on. People who instill terror in other people for a political motive. That's who has beards.

2. Lazy people. They have a beard simply because it is easier than shaving. These people also never make their bed or wash their truck.

3. People without access to hot water, razors, soap and a mirror. People who've been kidnapped for a long time, certain other prisoners, people with jobs in remote places for extended time periods. Basically forced upon them by hardship and circumstance.

4. Closely related to some of the other categories, but religious figures or even religious nut jobs, depending upon your adherence to their teachings. Pick your historical, mythological or other poisoned stereotype and put it here.

5. The cruelest and in my observation most prominent, the compensatory beard. A beard is a push up bra for masculinity. A symbol or proof of manhood and testosterone because your actions and other outward appereance does nothing to convince strangers or family that you have a surfeit of masculinity. Rather than having to have surgery and change your shirt size you just skip some of your grooming for 2 months and voila, you're suddenly thinking that other people are thinking you're more virile, handy around the house, lift more at the gym or whatever other "beastly" activity you want to think of.

And of course your beard figures prominently in your Instagram posts. Look at it. Look at it.