This Dark Dream

When I was younger I used to have a dream that just terrified me to screaming about a black, ephemeral spirit type thing that lurked outside my bedroom. It was some sort of evil entity and it was totally out to get me. It could move quickly so I knew I would have no chance running out of my room to my parents room to be rescued. Normally that meant I woke up and just cowered in my room crying in fear, or occasionally screaming out loud for someone to rescue me.

As an adult I seem to have recurring dreams about people or more often zombies chasing me to kill me. And yes, I do die in these dreams. Horrible, frantic dreams where I'm doing everything I can to get away and I just don't make it. Then somewhat less often are dreams about water, whether I drown or am crushed by tidal waves. Again, an adult male waking up screaming from a vivid nightmare that seemed just too real. Notice how I'm writing this at almost 4am......

My dream the other night though, was something entirely new in my bad dream repertoire. The basic jist of it was that my Crohns disease was coming back and going to be a huge negative factor in my life. Not wanting to deal with it any longer I decide to kill myself in my dream. In my semi-lucid state of the dream I had read every word of my suicide notes I wrote to different family members. I had to "see" myself go through planning how I would do it and eventually picking a method. And going through with it.

I woke up feeling just soo horrible and lost. I was just totally dumb struck with disbelief that I had just dreamed that to such detail. I had a dream where I had to watch myself kill myself for goodness sake!

I would prefer to never have a dream again of any sort than to have a dream like this again. No wonder I find it impossible to sleep...............