Anguish

The oldest son of my only brother took his own life on the 12th. He was 20 years old.

I've seen people in war. I've seen people in their last seconds of life in the hospital. I've seen relationships fail. I've seen bankruptcy. I've seen many lives as they're changed in an instant but not a single one produced the type of anguish seen in parents losing a child in this manner.

Treat others as you would like to be treated, you never know what they are going or have gone through.

Which are you?

"Be a thermostat, not a thermometer." Which of these devices are you? They both represent something factual, convey information and can change but what are their real differences? And do they matter?

A thermometer tells you what the temperature is, reporting an external condition. As that changes the thermometer changes, influenced by outside forces.

A thermostat tells you what the temperature should be, reporting a desired condition. The thermostat controls the forces external to it to yield the desired condition.

When your life is uncomfortable and you are dealing with its "bad weather", are you a thermometer or thermostat? Do ever changing, external forces change you? Or do you set the temperature and work to influence things to bring them closer to you?

Advice my mother repeatedly gave me growing up was, "You can control your emotions. You are in charge of how you decide to react to things and your feelings. No one person or event should force you to feel a certain way. You decide, you, not just reacting out of control."

The number on a thermostat or thermometer are both true. But how the number got there is a much different story.

Be the thermostat.

Lessons from Competition

I like competition. I like the reason and meaning it gives to an activity. I like the added pressure to perform. If I lose I learn a lesson. If I win I celebrate. There is just a complexity to it that I find mentally and physically enjoyable. In my life I've competed at things recreationally or socially but also "for real". What's the difference? Social or recreation competition is between friends or family, is ad hoc, has no larger organization behind it and likely didn't cost much money to make possible.

Examples would be board and video games, who can do the most push ups, local 5k races, most things that are "I bet you..." or "Let's see who can...". Those sorts of things.

While the "for real" type of competition is against others trained in the same thing, is scheduled, has a larger organization involved and likely cost some money to be involved. School sports, sports leagues, things with a ranking system are good examples. In this category I've done wrestling, tennis, mountain bike racing, pistol shooting, trail running and Brazilian jiu jitsu. I've participated in these things competitively at all different stages of life and personal development so I want to share with you the lessons this type of competition has taught me over my life.

-Get comfortable being uncomfortable. By this I mean a physical resiliency. Developing the strength and personality to have outside, environmental things have less of an effect on your attitude and body. Bad weather, time of day, temperature, gear not being perfect, soreness. You're used to hurting and you accept it.

-You don't lose, you learn. There are more lessons to be learned in our mistakes and than in our successes. If you can objectively look within in, you'll hopefully find them. You have to suffer to learn and that suffering can be either physical or mental.

-Things take time. Basically encompassing the idea that results take work which takes time and to look at things over a longer period of time versus a shorter one. Cutting weight, building speed, learning a new technique all take time.

-Focus on actions, not outcomes. This was from a sports psychologist and it has helped me immensely!! Rather than focusing on winning the race if I focused on my breathing, pedal stroke, line selection, race craft and so on then the result would take care of itself. A subset of this could also mention the importance of being in the now. Where is your focus? If you focus on what you're doing now, you're more likely to get where you want to go versus just thinking about where you want to go.

-Be careful in what you buy. Aka don't chase success through gear. Yes, there is crap out there and yes there is the apex item for whatever you're involved in doing. But the trick is to know where the line is between a crappy product that will hurt you and an appropriate or good product that will do nothing to impede your progress. If your gear is working against you it is more than worthless, it is harmful. Your "stuff" at a minimum should be unobtrusive. Appropriate gear is basically invisible and that is the minimum of what you should find acceptable. If you have that, what you have is good enough.

-Speed. Know when to be as fast as possible and when to be patient. The mental side of speed. And also the physical side of speed. Just how fast can I move my eyes, my hands, my feet. You learn the maximum of your human potential at speed.

-If it is going to happen, it is up to me. From my list you can see I participated in almost exclusively in individual sports. I can't rely on teammates, a coach or anyone else to make things happen. If I don't do it, it won't happen. Tuning a shifter, changing diet, studying film, getting up on time, have gear cleaned, tracking practice, working on my mindset and so on. I have to do them or they don't happen. Rely on yourself and hold yourself accountable.

-What's it worth? It is an extreme saying but I think it gives a point to think about, "You might die for it, but would you kill for it?" We all have something we say we'd die for like family/country/religion but do we have something we'd kill for? They are very different reactions to the same "thing". So what are you willing to do (kill for) versus what you're willing to give up (die for) to accomplish your immediate action or long term goal? There is a difference between omission and commission. And when you assess what you're willing and actually doing of either, then you can see what value you place on something. What's it worth to you.

Analog Man

I am going to delete my Fb account. Again.
I am going to delete my three gmail accounts and create one singular one for all things.
I am going to delete my PayPal.
I am going to delete my separate online banking account.

I'm tired of the fraud. I'm tired of so many internet things taking my time. Less entanglements. Less stress. More choice and control on my end.

V

If I don't get a slot for the IPSC World Shoot this year, I think I am done with shooting competitively. Why?

There are many reasons but there are a few that really seem to make sense. One, I'm just tired and disinterested in something I've already done for 7 years. Switching divisions doesn't switch the game, money or time component. It's just playing Monopoly with the iron instead of the dog. The travel for matches is no longer exciting. The amount one has to train each day to be a good Master on the national level is beyond what I want to do anymore. Everything about it is less interesting to me now. (But going to an international match to represent the USA in competition would totally change that dynamic. But just to shoot locals? Eh.... don't care.)

Secondly, competitive shooting after a while and certain skill level doesn't give you much back in return. The act of shooting itself doesn't make you more physically fit. Or smarter. Your skill with a firearm should definitely improve but now I'm better than 95% of the gun owners out there when it comes to shooting a pistol. To get to 95% against national competition would take hours of practice a day right now and I don't want to. You make no money shooting. You don't receive sponsorship of merit. You're not on TV or in the Olympics. You gain skill and proficiency with a firearm and that's it. It didn't take me 7 years of competition to get there, more like 2. It hasn't added any capital V value to my life.

Third, you spend a crap load of money doing it. I was spending on average $20,000 a year to compete. I think I want that money back each year.

Fourth, my eyesight has really diminished in the past year and it is a vital ability needed to excel at the sport. I've slipped from someone who is a hot shot to someone who used to be good and much of that is my eye sight.

Fifth, I'm not ga-ga over guns generally. I like them but I'm totally fine with a sporting rifle, a hunting rifle, a shotgun and 3 or 4 pistols. At one time I owned over 20 firearms. And gear and accessories for all of them. You know how the things you own end up owning you? That was happening!

IPSC Worlds would be my last hurrah to the sport. I would totally devote to it for the next 6 months, compete at the world level and then walk away satisfied. But without that carrot it just feels like so much stick.

I'd rather motorcycle more, travel more, do more models, read more, brazilian jiu jitsu more, work part time more. Just about anything rather than be so all consumed about my performance and matches and preparation for competitive shooting.

So furious!

Im so furious! I've been a frequent victim of debit card fraud and this time it was my bank account itself! $500, poof, gone! I have to get a handle on this Monday, asap! I am so furious. No one can lose $500 and just shrug it off!

Goals are good.

Goals are good but a good goal is even better. What is the difference? All good goals share certain characteristics in that they have a time component, are specific, can be reasonably achieved and are measurable. To compare goals I hear stated by competitive shooters they go something like this:

-I want to be better. (A nice sentiment but not really a goal, as all of the good characteristics are missing)
-I want to make A class this year. (There we go, an actual goal. A specific, measurable item in a certain time frame)
-I am going to make A class in 2020 by dry firing 2x a week the drills in S. Anderson's book. (Positive phrasing, an actual plan, sounds reasonable, specific, time component and so on. Great goal)

In years past when I was in college, newly divorced or early in a career I was very good at goal setting. Some years even accomplishing all my goals!! They gave me amazing direction and focus and helped me to not let myself down.

With age and experience I've developed more self discipline and have relied less and less on stated goals, good goals, to help me through a new year. I personally have seen their value but I use them less and less as time has progressed. For 2020 I will be following what are more accurately statements of intent than true goals. But I do so knowingly.

2020 Rowdy Statement of Intents

-Maintain employment in my bird catcher job.
-Attend brazilian jiu jitsu class 3 times a week on average.
-Re-read 12 books I've already read and are in my possession.
-Enter two scale model shows.
-Go visit each of my immediate family members. (A total of 6 trips makes this difficult 1. Parents and youngest sister. 2. Brother. 3. Sister. 4. Kid. 5. Kid. 6. Kid.)